The night of January 12th 2014 is forever seared into my mind.
That night is what’s known as my “D-day” or discovery day. I didn’t even know there were terms for these things.
But first, let me rewind a bit…
…I’m a very traditional guy, I always believed in the idea of soulmates and being true to my spouse upon marriage.
Family means everything to me and I believed that to show how much I loved and valued my family, was to work hard and provide and protect them.
So, that’s what I did. I worked very hard. I provided for my family.
When I met my wife we hit it off immediately. After the first time we met, we rarely spent anytime apart.
We were tied to the hip.
She was my best friend and I was her rock.
Sure, we’d have your normal disagreements but we’d always make up and I always felt that we could always overcome anything that came our way and we were meant to be together forever. I always trusted her around other guys.
Fast forward a couple of years after we met, we got married.
A few year’s later, we had our child. A beautiful boy.
He was a joy.
I always believed I would be a hands-on Dad, so I had no problem helping with changing diapers, feeding, getting up in the middle of the night (even if I had to get up to go to work the next day).
I’d be going on 2 hours sleep on most days. But I believed parenting was both our jobs. Not just hers.
My wife’s an extrovert so I knew being at home so much was driving her mad. I’m an introvert, so I didn’t mind staying home to watch over our baby if she wanted to go out with other mommies and then she wanted to go back to the gym to lose the baby fat (even though she didnt’ really gain too much weight being pregnant).
I knew it was something she needed so I encouraged her to go and I’d be fine staying at home in the evenings to watch over our baby while she had her “me time” at the gym.
After a few months of going to the gym, I noticed she would get home later and later.
She was also spending a lot more time at the gym – any chance she had, she would go there. Leaving me and the baby behind.
I didn’t think too much about it at first until one day, my mom was visiting us and my mom mentioned to me it was a bit strange how late she would be at the gym. She asked me if everything was ok.
I brushed it off at first as I didn’t want my mom to worry, but that question started me thinking.
I realised she was spending more and more time away from us.
She started getting really distant from me and hardly spoke to me.
I was getting a bit frustrated at being brushed off so much now and decided I needed to schedule more time with her. I originally thought I was giving her needed space. But now, it was getting extreme.
I tried to schedule some date nights with her, she seemed indifferent to my efforts.
Initially, we would always spend time to put our baby to bed each night. But lately, even before he’d be in bed, she’d be in a rush to get to the gym for a “class”.
So, this one night after putting our baby to bed, she rushed off to the gym again. But I was determined to wait for her to come home and just have a heart to heart with her to ask her if everything’s ok and how I noticed how she was spending a lot of time at the gym and neglecting our family.
I waited all night and pretended to be asleep. It was close to midnight at the time.
She came in quietly, saw I was asleep and closed our bedroom door.
For whatever reason, I didn’t get up right away to go talk to her. I decided to check my phone and look through our baby webcam in our living room.
That’s when I saw her taking pictures of herself without clothes on and it looked like she was messaging with someone on the phone.
My heart raced and was pounding like a massive drum.
My heart started sinking…
..I quietly opened the door and walked out.
I asked her what she was doing.
She was startled and lied by saying she was messaging with her personal trainer (who was female).
I said, “Then why I are you sending pictures of yourself to Jane?”
She immediately knew she was blown.
I asked her to let me see her phone. She quickly hid it and wouldn’t give it to me.
And then, that’s when my world and heart crumbled into a million pieces.
She said she had been seeing someone else. One of the personal trainer’s at the gym (of course).
She said, “I’m not IN love with you anymore. I’m in love with someone else.”
She said, she had thought about telling me, but wanted to wait until after my birthday (oh, how thoughtful I thought sarcastically).
Let me tell you, for a guy, out of the small handful of things that are nightmares for guy’s are:
- Finding out your love is cheating on you
- Losing a loved one and feeling helpless to save them
So, this is one of my top nightmares happening to me right at this moment.
This isn’t supposed to happen to us.
I lost it. I was absolutely crushed. Just imagine all the pain the world and multiply it by 1,000.
I spent nights looking after our baby so she could have time to herself and this is what she did???!!!
I couldn’t look or speak to her. I walked out.
I didn’t know where to go.
I couldn’t breathe.
I couldn’t think.
My mind was racing.
I walked into the mall downstairs from our flat.
I walked up to the top floor.
I looked over the edge of the panelling.
I thought I wanted to die.
There’s nobody around. All I have to do is just climb over this edge and let myself go and end this excruciating pain coursing inside me.
It was 50/50 that I was going to do this.
It was around Winter time and I thought about just sitting outside in the cold and letting someone find my frozen body.
But I thought about our baby. I loved him so much. I didn’t want him to think his Daddy left him without knowing what happened to me.
For the next week, I hardly slept.
I didn’t eat.
I hardly drank any water.
I just stayed in bed and cried.
I didn’t want to get up at all.
Little did I know, I would suffer for the next 6 months of more lies and heartache, panic attacks, anxiety and depression.
In all, it took me about 2.5 years to recover from my wife’s affair.
Here’s what I want you to know, you can recover from this pain and emotional trauma.
I vowed that I would try to help and support as many other people going through this time of heartache and pain as possible.
Is this only for men?
While, my specific situation was where my wife had the affair, I believe the lessons I learned can apply to you if you are a wife/female where your partner was the one that had the affair too.